I would still be making the same amount of money if I were working $10 an hour, 40 hours a week, but I would just be paid in fewer installments. Because of the grant the money was coming from, I could only get paid every two months. I signed a contract in January saying I would produce a certain amount of illustrations per month in exchange for a certain amount of money. I work as a biological illustrator at a museum. I feel so much grief for the good I might have done in another profession, the life I could have lived.

Nobody wants to address problems like this. Nobody would lift a finger to protect me from retribution. Worst of all, I don’t even feel that I can tell my story. And I’m not the only one - I know plenty of people who have had a similar experience. I feel like this work has stolen my life away. I had no idea how much a career in academia would rely on having money to begin with. I feel floored by the lack of opportunities and support through most of my career. Now, I’m just trying to pick up the pieces. I was good at living modestly, but that wasn’t enough to sustain me. I got sick and never really recovered… stress and overwork guaranteed that. When I looked for help (from the wrong people, apparently), I was told to suck it up, work harder. Abuse by an advisor, with nowhere to turn. I thought that I could keep working hard, publish and move into some reasonable career trajectory. Worked hard, had a good mentor, published, moved on to postdoc. Worked to pay for college, good grades, got into a good PhD program. I started out an idealistic and hopeful student. If you haven’t experienced anything awful enough to trip up your career, good for you. And screw the feel-good stories and helpful tips. There is very little opportunity for support or sharing of experiences. Academia is isolating and fundamentally sick.

Vicmin.tumblr nott the brave